The mind knows....

I'm watching "Eat, Pray, Love" again.
Again it resonates things that are in my mind, in my heart.
Finding ways to make me look at the issues that are distressing me.

"If you want to get to the castle, you have to cross the moat."
but what if the moat is home to an angry dragon -- an angry dragon that keeps breathing fire at you?
I'm happy in my castle on the shore.
There is no desire to cross the moat, fight the dragon and get to the bigger castle.
But the dragon keeps trying to engage me in a battle.

Am I a coward for wanting only to exist? only to enjoy my life and not want to fight?

My stress levels are off the chart.
Every time the dragon sends out an epistle to me, every time the dragon roars, I cringe.
For the first time in my life, I understand what a puppy feels like when the rolled up newspaper is waved at it.
I cringe.
This is new to me.
I don't enjoy this.

I think about fear.
I think about what I need to do.
I think about what could happen if I wasn't working.
(I think about you Simme -- and what you are going through right now.)

My fear paralyzes me.
I've become the woman who will agree with anything to keep the argument down.
I've become the woman who will agree with anything to keep the dragon away.
This isn't me.
This is not the way my work life was to be.

Right now I don't have an answer.
There must be a way to let go of the fear and of the constant thinking about it.
My uber-awareness of the dragon is paralyzing me.

I had a wonderful day today -- very little if any dragon thoughts.
But she creeps back in to my mind, rattling those dragon rocks because I know Monday is coming.
and with a new work week, comes the rolled up newspaper.

In my mind, I am being bullied.
And I am so very unhappy.

I am grateful every day, every hour, every minute, every second for the two who love me so much.
So unconditionally.
They are my family, my life, my love.

I hate being weak in front of them.
Never have I been this weak.
But no matter what, the three of us have each other.

Sore fingers

My fingers are sore from working on BFAC.
And I have so much more to do.
Sometimes I wonder why undertake a large project like this.
Why can't I just do something simple and be done?
Because I am who I am.
That's why.