Saturday, June 25, 2011

The mind knows....

I'm watching "Eat, Pray, Love" again.
Again it resonates things that are in my mind, in my heart.
Finding ways to make me look at the issues that are distressing me.

"If you want to get to the castle, you have to cross the moat."
but what if the moat is home to an angry dragon -- an angry dragon that keeps breathing fire at you?
I'm happy in my castle on the shore.
There is no desire to cross the moat, fight the dragon and get to the bigger castle.
But the dragon keeps trying to engage me in a battle.

Am I a coward for wanting only to exist? only to enjoy my life and not want to fight?

My stress levels are off the chart.
Every time the dragon sends out an epistle to me, every time the dragon roars, I cringe.
For the first time in my life, I understand what a puppy feels like when the rolled up newspaper is waved at it.
I cringe.
This is new to me.
I don't enjoy this.

I think about fear.
I think about what I need to do.
I think about what could happen if I wasn't working.
(I think about you Simme -- and what you are going through right now.)

My fear paralyzes me.
I've become the woman who will agree with anything to keep the argument down.
I've become the woman who will agree with anything to keep the dragon away.
This isn't me.
This is not the way my work life was to be.

Right now I don't have an answer.
There must be a way to let go of the fear and of the constant thinking about it.
My uber-awareness of the dragon is paralyzing me.

I had a wonderful day today -- very little if any dragon thoughts.
But she creeps back in to my mind, rattling those dragon rocks because I know Monday is coming.
and with a new work week, comes the rolled up newspaper.

In my mind, I am being bullied.
And I am so very unhappy.

I am grateful every day, every hour, every minute, every second for the two who love me so much.
So unconditionally.
They are my family, my life, my love.

I hate being weak in front of them.
Never have I been this weak.
But no matter what, the three of us have each other.


abeadlady said...

Wish you weren't going through all this, Kate. I've been there and it's not fun. I'm just grateful I was of an age where I could retire. Hang in there. Maybe the dragon will burn itself up. Always thinking of you. Hugs, my friend.

flyingbeader said...

Unfortunately, we are at an age where we can't just chuck the whole thing & give up the job unless we want to be hungry. I have had friend tell me to take another job with less problems, but then I'd have to take such a huge pay cut. I'm riding that wave of "dragon breath" too not wanting to fall off into the flames & poof out. I'm not so much afraid, but my anger is boiling inside me. I just can't let it leak out at work. What do I do...I unfortunately rant to Chris. Thank god I have him. Call me sometime if you want to talk about how to combat that dragon...maybe we together could come up with some ideas. BTW...8 years and counting....horrible to wish away my years just so I can be free......